Happy Anniversary (Again)

One year ago, I got cut in half and then put back together.  The new plumbing may not work as well, but at least it isn't trying to kill me.

It's been one year since the surgery, 9 months since chemo and 8 months since I went back to work.  I've been snowboarding in the mountains and boogie boarding in the ocean.  I've installed two sinks and a sliding glass door.  I've seen concerts and fireworks.  I've played pickleball and basketball.  Life is pretty great.


Oh yeah, I had another CT scan this morning.  It came back clean.


When I was diagnosed, it was bad.  Then I got a series of scans (CT, MRI, PET) and each of them showed things worse than they were before.  At the end it was about as bad as it could be.

Once that happened, things got less stressful.  Rock bottom is a very freeing place.  Expectations were ridiculously low.  If I put my dirty socks in the hamper, I was a hero.  There was a months-long, well-defined path to follow, I just had to be stubborn enough to walk it.  I can be stubborn.

Now, I get these scans every few months and I'm freaking out.  It took me a while to figure out why, but once I did, it made perfect sense.

I'm not at rock bottom anymore.  I'm not a hero for taking the trash out.  I don't have nothing to lose, I have everything to lose.  

Furthermore, these scans can't really give me good news.  Good news wouldn't involve getting scanned again in a few months.  Good news wouldn't have an implied "yet".
When a scan comes back clean, it's the best news... but I'm the same afterwards as I was before.  It's break-even news.

This morning, I broke even.  My life is pretty awesome... so I'll take it.

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