The Poop Bag 💩
This post is gross. Seriously. Totally disgusting. Does poop make you gag? Stop reading.
What the hell is an ileostomy? It's when the surgeon diverts your small intestine into a plastic bag glued to your abdomen. It's done to give the rest of the colon a break from poop while the sutures heal. If there were a teeny, tiny leak at the suture site and an itsy, bitsy amount of poop got into my abdomen, that would be bad. How bad? Think catastrophic complications including sepsis, death, permanent colostomy and other shitty 😜 things.
Speaking of shitty things, lets talk about the logistics. Nobody takes the time to appreciate poop. They sit on the toilet, open their phone and wait for things to be over. Wipe, flush, wash, done. Thanks to my ileostomy, I no longer take poop for granted. I don't get to waste my time with cheap, mass-produced, poop. Instead I've become a connoisseur of hand-crafted, artisanal feces.
It's like they were handing out hipster specialties but I was late and got the worst one.
Now whenever I see a skinny-jeaned, man-bun blathering on about overly complex drinks or hand-made condiments or whatever... I'm not just irritated, I'm also a little jealous. Why can't I just 'before they went commercial' like all the other scraggly-bearded, fixed-gear, 'well-actually's? Nope. I get hand-crafted, artisinal feces.
Pooping isn't something that just happens anymore. I'm intimately involved in the process. "Chris, how intimately and what is the process?" you're not asking. I'm gonna explain anyway.
Because it's an ileostomy and not a colostomy, the poop is wet and runny instead of more turd-like. The small intestine takes the nutrients out of food. The large intestine reabsorbs water which turns wet, runny poop into turds. The ileostomy bypasses the large intestine so the poop in the bag ranges in viscosity from Hershey's syrup to strong coffee. Stickiness and chunkiness are dependent on what you ate and how well you chewed it. I ate corn once. Once. I ate granola and was afraid the jagged, tiny pebbles would cut right through the bag, Speaking of the bag, it seems nice and full, let's empty it! 💩
Poop goes in the top of the bag and comes out the bottom. First you'll have to get the bottom of the bag close to the toilet. Really close. I've found it's best to get on one knee and lean in. Like you're proposing to the toilet (in sickness and in health).
How recently was the toilet cleaned? Let's be honest, clean is relative. When you're proposing to your porcelain partner, every stray hair and dried droplet is right there. Keep in mind this is my own house... imagine going to a restaurant and having to empty a poop bag. Imagine going to a college bar. 🤢
Now, the opening at the bottom is held closed with a clamp or a velcro seal. Undo that, but be very careful, that bag is armed and dangerous. 💣 It's too late, but check that your shirt tails aren't dangling, long sleeves are rolled up, and drawstrings are stowed appropriately. Don't want any accidents... again.
As you're opening the bag over the toilet be sure it's not too high (splashy) but above the water line (ick). Once opened, gravity will do much (but not all!) of the work here. Because of proximity, the smell hits instantly and with some power.
Now you've got a plastic bag glued to your abdomen with some runny poop dangling from the open end. Any corn, granola, nuts, etc will also be clinging. Now is where your toothpaste skills come in handy. Squeeze the bag from the top to the bottom. I recommend using fingers from each hand as squeegees and sliding down. The emptier it is, the more time until you have to empty it again.
Now you need to reseal the poop bag but there's shit dripping from the end and oozing out of the ileostomy (it never stops). Get some toilet paper and start cleaning. I'd give you tips on how to avoid getting poop on your hands, but I never solved that riddle. I went with lots of hand soap, hot water and a strong stomach. I avoided gloves because they managed to spread the poop everywhere and it wound up a bigger mess.
Once it's clean(ish), clamp or velcro it shut and there you go. An artisanal, hand-crafted fecal experience. Now relax, you've got 3-6 hours until you have to do it again. Hungry? I've got some pudding.
 |
| The Worst Birthday Present Ever My brother and I holding a poop bag filled with chocolate pudding given to him (by me) for his birthday. He should NOT read this kind of post. I write this kind of post. |
What the hell is an ileostomy? It's when the surgeon diverts your small intestine into a plastic bag glued to your abdomen. It's done to give the rest of the colon a break from poop while the sutures heal. If there were a teeny, tiny leak at the suture site and an itsy, bitsy amount of poop got into my abdomen, that would be bad. How bad? Think catastrophic complications including sepsis, death, permanent colostomy and other shitty 😜 things.
Speaking of shitty things, lets talk about the logistics. Nobody takes the time to appreciate poop. They sit on the toilet, open their phone and wait for things to be over. Wipe, flush, wash, done. Thanks to my ileostomy, I no longer take poop for granted. I don't get to waste my time with cheap, mass-produced, poop. Instead I've become a connoisseur of hand-crafted, artisanal feces.
It's like they were handing out hipster specialties but I was late and got the worst one.
Now whenever I see a skinny-jeaned, man-bun blathering on about overly complex drinks or hand-made condiments or whatever... I'm not just irritated, I'm also a little jealous. Why can't I just 'before they went commercial' like all the other scraggly-bearded, fixed-gear, 'well-actually's? Nope. I get hand-crafted, artisinal feces.
Pooping isn't something that just happens anymore. I'm intimately involved in the process. "Chris, how intimately and what is the process?" you're not asking. I'm gonna explain anyway.
Because it's an ileostomy and not a colostomy, the poop is wet and runny instead of more turd-like. The small intestine takes the nutrients out of food. The large intestine reabsorbs water which turns wet, runny poop into turds. The ileostomy bypasses the large intestine so the poop in the bag ranges in viscosity from Hershey's syrup to strong coffee. Stickiness and chunkiness are dependent on what you ate and how well you chewed it. I ate corn once. Once. I ate granola and was afraid the jagged, tiny pebbles would cut right through the bag, Speaking of the bag, it seems nice and full, let's empty it! 💩
Poop goes in the top of the bag and comes out the bottom. First you'll have to get the bottom of the bag close to the toilet. Really close. I've found it's best to get on one knee and lean in. Like you're proposing to the toilet (in sickness and in health).
How recently was the toilet cleaned? Let's be honest, clean is relative. When you're proposing to your porcelain partner, every stray hair and dried droplet is right there. Keep in mind this is my own house... imagine going to a restaurant and having to empty a poop bag. Imagine going to a college bar. 🤢
Now, the opening at the bottom is held closed with a clamp or a velcro seal. Undo that, but be very careful, that bag is armed and dangerous. 💣 It's too late, but check that your shirt tails aren't dangling, long sleeves are rolled up, and drawstrings are stowed appropriately. Don't want any accidents... again.
As you're opening the bag over the toilet be sure it's not too high (splashy) but above the water line (ick). Once opened, gravity will do much (but not all!) of the work here. Because of proximity, the smell hits instantly and with some power.
Now you've got a plastic bag glued to your abdomen with some runny poop dangling from the open end. Any corn, granola, nuts, etc will also be clinging. Now is where your toothpaste skills come in handy. Squeeze the bag from the top to the bottom. I recommend using fingers from each hand as squeegees and sliding down. The emptier it is, the more time until you have to empty it again.
Now you need to reseal the poop bag but there's shit dripping from the end and oozing out of the ileostomy (it never stops). Get some toilet paper and start cleaning. I'd give you tips on how to avoid getting poop on your hands, but I never solved that riddle. I went with lots of hand soap, hot water and a strong stomach. I avoided gloves because they managed to spread the poop everywhere and it wound up a bigger mess.
Once it's clean(ish), clamp or velcro it shut and there you go. An artisanal, hand-crafted fecal experience. Now relax, you've got 3-6 hours until you have to do it again. Hungry? I've got some pudding.
 |
| Here's some eye bleach to cleanse the palate. September 2013 |
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